Hey Jenny,

I’m always blown away by your poise and bravery. Thank you for using your platform to lend a voice to the many horses abused by the city. Tourism is a disease and it harms those without a hoof to stand on, so to speak. I’m writing in because I’m in love with my best friend and they are straight up dead😭. So… Where does all this love go?

—NECROROMANTIC (New York, NY)

First, I would like to clarify that I am not and never have been Lea Michele. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to calcify this fact in print.

As for your question RoRo, you are not alone. Even I find it hard to maintain attraction to the living. Free will is a beautiful thing, but beauty itself is deeply unhorny. I would suggest dipping a hoof into esoteric spiritualism. You might find that love is unending, forever recycled by way of a cyclical universe. That even when the physical body is no more, that shared love still shapes, protects, and holds you. Even more likely, you’ll find a hot guru with questionable ethics when it comes to student-teacher relationships—two birds one stone.

I would leave it there, but my editor has advised adding a stipulation: masturbation is the safest form of sex, especially with the dead. Free yourself of the fear of feelings, STIs, and, in you particular case, maggots. Memory is rich ground for fantasy. Have you seen “Hamilton”? If not, there’s a beautiful production happening right now at the iconic Ohio Theatre. Mention my name at the door. I’m a big deal in downtown Columbus.