Jenny Sexual Tells You What To Do #1

A Gryllus advice column.

by Jenny Sexual

Jenny Sexual is a pop star and mayoral candidate. A cross between Betty Davis and Bette Davis, she’s equal parts sex appeal and sex repulsion.

Taking time from political campaigning and writing her debut album “THE GREAT WET,” Jenny is here to answer your stickiest questions.

Dear Jenny,

I’m depressed because I find all emotions unbearable. My problem is not my depression—in fact, I’m quite happy with how it’s progressed—but I have my mother’s second wedding this weekend and I know she expects me to cry. Suggestions?

—DRY AS A BONE (Eagle Rock, CA)

We all know there are many medical solutions to suggest a depth of emotion many of us do not naturally possess or actively hide. I assume you have tried the typical methods such as using a menthol tear stick, cutting onions, holding your eyes open, or getting blackout drunk. Mx. Bone, if I may rephrase your question: how do I prove to my mother that her life means anything to me?

I suggest moving your emotional outburst to before you even arrive for the wedding. Tell your mother the thought of her love with Mr. Right #2 caused you to momentarily lose control while driving to Pottery Barn to check out her registry. You can’t make the wedding as your car was totaled and you’re in the hospital. The nice thing about this is if you’re a shut in, you don’t have to worry about attending. But if you really love your mother, you will show up last minute despite your broken neck. I find it’s much easier to perform extreme pain than familial love. I have a discount code on neck braces, actually—JENNYSEX69. Redeem at any medical supplies retailer.

Madam Sexual, if I may call you as such…

My roommate (“Hot”) and I hooked up. It was pure bliss. However, our other roommate (“Ugly”) found out and has begun insinuating that there may be space in our bed for a third. Unfortunately, they are correct as we (myself and Hot) initially bonded over our attraction to our fourth roommate (“Hung”). We would love to extend our roommate loveplay to Hung, but we do not want Ugly to join us, nor do we want Ugly to move out (they pay a disproportionately high rent). How would you navigate these troubled waters?

—BOUNDLESS LOVE EXCEPT IN THIS
ONE SCENARIO (Brooklyn, NY)

 

They say an ugly question breeds even uglier answers. While I understand your desire for exclusivity, I implore you to shed these dated boundaries. In my experience, ugly people make the best lovers: they are patient, giving, and willing to learn. Plus, they sound loaded; maybe they’ll pick up the tab on lube.


If generosity of spirit isn’t your thing, I would suggest blindfolding, gagging, and ear-muffing your less attractive roommate. Tell them this is what’s up… sexually. Then, once they’re indisposed, go about your business. Just don’t forget to feed and water them every couple hours, or your next roommate might be ugly with an even uglier rap sheet.

Hey Jenny,

I am at the end of my rope. I’ve tried spiritualism, drugs, having a lot of money, being an artist and I’ve concluded: no matter what I do, people just don’t like me. Please save me from myself.

–DESPERATE LIVING (New York, NY)

 

Have you considered that the issue may be your personality? The quickest fix for this is pretending to be someone else. If your lack of imagination is a problem, take a ready-made like Elvis, Joan Crawford, or Rick James. Spend time looking at pictures of their bathrooms—as I am known to say: you can run from most everything, but you’ll always need a toilet. Try to replicate these celebrity bathrooms in your own home, and see what inspiration comes when you least expect it.

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If you’re less boring, I would recommend inventing a central tragedy that would make sense of all your less desirable traits. Don’t get stuck on details, keep it gestural. The more information you give, the more likely you are to get caught in your lie, or worse, people will tire of your trauma and find you boring again. If you’re never on time, tell people you were late to your flight on 9/11. If every time you pet sit for a weekend the animal dies, remind others that death is a very private thing. Animals, people included, often cling to life until a trusted guardian grants them the permission to pass. If you’re the kind of person who tells other people’s secrets, I’d recommend starting an advice column—it does wonders for normalizing your deceitful behavior.

Do you have a burning, itching question that’s just begging to be answered? Send your problems to j3nnys3xual@gmail.com

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