Jenny Sexual Tells You What To Do #3
A Gryllus advice column.
by Jenny Sexual
Greetings from the office of Dr. Jenny Sexual, pop star and mayoral candidate. This week we’ve got your best health-related questions. The doctor is in, take a seat, and run up a tab—this one’s on the state!
Greetings from the office of Dr. Jenny Sexual, pop star and mayoral candidate. This week we’ve got your best health-related questions. The doctor is in, take a seat, and run up a tab—this one’s on the state!
Ms. Sexual,
My tooth gem is infected. I would seek medical advice but my dentist is blatantly sapphophobic. I know you have a lot of experience in community health organizing, so please advise. I can’t be your only reader who will benefit from this advice!
– ROTTEN IN BUSHWICK
(Brooklyn, NY)
First of all, ROTTEN, thank you for distinguishing “community health organizer” from “community hole.” Flowers: received!
Infected tooth gem aside, the real medical issue here is your underlying inability to let go. Let me guess: you struggled with self-esteem as a closet case in high school, but now that you’re older you realize how much more authentic you were then than you are now. So now you’re latching onto all that old pre-irony symbolism to feel something “true” again. Thus your tooth gem approximation of braces. There will be no humiliation this time, you think, triumphant, though entirely WRONG. Lesbians never quite make it past 8th grade, seeing Angelica DuVall getting changed out of her leotard after your ballet recital, getting invited to her sleepover birthday party and spending the night whispering in each other’s ears until your lips accidentally touch and you can’t sleep but now its morning and you’re both eating blueberry pancakes and listening to Mindless Self Indulgence as though your world hasn’t just expanded. SIGH! So predictable.
Hear me out—if you had the ability to cope, you would be spending your money on animal rescues or real estate. Yes, body modification exists (believe me—this is why I’m legally prohibited from entering Miami until 2045), but tooth gems are just another fad. I highly recommend you invest in a pair of plyers and a bottle of Dr. Sexual’s Squeeze-N Breathe, my new line of minty mouthwash which doubles as an on-the-go self-pleasure device.
Jenny,
I’m giving birth as I type and I need a zeitgeist-proof baby name.
— Timelessly Urgent
(Antwerp, BE)
Sarcophagus. Matlock. Jewel. Ethan. I can continue to make excellent yet impersonal suggestions or I can provide you with my trademarked Naming Formula:
FOR BOYS: Hard Sound (C, Ch, G, T, etc.) + Fear (the more irrational the better) – First consonants of Fear. For a middle name, add a 19 th Century Occupation That Killed People.
Ex: Champede Tosher = (Ch + Stampede + What they called children who scavenged in the sewer for valuables)
FOR GIRLS: Use the same formula but substitute the last letter with -A and swap the middle name with Rose.
Ex: Tamila Rose (T + Family (Dying) + A + Rose)
So, how’s your math, Timeless? Do they have private school in Europe? Do write back.
Dear Dr. Sexual,
I have diarrhea every time I swim at Riis.
– FUN AT PARTIES
(Brooklyn, NY)
Well, I have diarrhea every time I think of New York! But we all make concessions for those we went to college with, don’t we?
Why be a stranger when you can be a pervert? Answers are just an email away.
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